


Dungeons and Dipper

by Hinny_B



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Dipper as DM, Dipper trying to keep control and slowly losing it, Dungeons Dungeons and More Dungeons, Family game nights, Video Calling, do not copy to another site, no beta we die like men, role playing game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:07:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25790332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hinny_B/pseuds/Hinny_B
Summary: Dipper is running a Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons campaign and his players have gotten themselves in a tight spot.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 33





	1. An Unfortunate Event

“So…” Dipper studied the dungeon map on his computer. “You’re led into the village center, the barbarians don’t seem happy.”

“Of course not,” Stan said with a snort. “We killed three of their group then tried to cover it up. Stupid magic spring.”

“Grunkle Stan! We were trying to see if the spring would bring them back to life!” Mabel glared into the separate webcam she and Dipper had set up for their weekly _Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons_ game with their grunkles, Soos, and Melody. 

It’d started when Dipper and Ford convinced Soos to join their new campaign. Since it was winter, Soos’ CLARPing group was on break until April and it seemed the perfect time to give DD&MD a shot. When Melody found out, she’d wanted to join too for nostalgia reasons. (Apparently she’d played briefly in highschool.) Mabel exclaimed she wanted to play since Ford was and she couldn’t let Dip-Dot monopolize all his time. (“Two hours more of Grunkle Time than me!” “You could be talking to Grunkle Stan at the same time.” “Pfft, you don’t think I won’t be?”) With Mabel and Ford now playing, it didn’t take much to convince Stan to give it a try. 

Dipper wasn’t sure if that’d hadn’t been a mistake. At least Stan wasn’t trying to dual class barbarian and rogue. Unlike Mabel, who’d insisted on playing a sorceress bard. (Why had he agreed to that? Why?)

Stan leaned out of camera sight momentarily to grab his water bottle. As he did, Ford readjusted the camera so that it caught them both better.

“It was self-defence,” he said as Stan returned. “They attacked Tileet, we had to defend our cleric.”

“Exactly!” Soos puffed up. “Couln’t let them hurt my girlfriend.”

“Thanks hon.” Melody blew him a kiss from her screen. He reached out and caught it with a huge smile.

Rolling his eyes at them, Dipper continued with his narration.

“ ‘You’ll wait here until Oona returns’, a big barbarian wearing a dire wolf skin says. He shoves you into what used to be the town’s saw mill. ‘Weapons’ he demands.”

“No,” Stan said immediately.

“Would they take squirrel meat instead?” Melody asked, holding up a plush squirrel she’d been bringing as a prop for the last four sessions. 

“The barbarians refuse the squirrel meat, saying it is from a small weak animal. Much like the strange small person offering it.”

“Does my minotaur skull helmet mean nothing to these people?” Melody demanded.

“Afraid not.”

“I think it looks smashing,” Soos replied, chuckling at his own joke.

“I’m very sorry,” Ford said, pitching his voice higher and softer to match his elven character. “But I’d rather not part with mine. They’re ah...delicate.”

“Not my shiny wand!” Mabel clutched the glitter covered wand she’d made after her character won one in a bardic duel.

“Wrenna, don’t mention wands. Remember they hate ‘witches’. That’s um...how these unfortunate events started.”

Seeing Ford using air quotes nearly made Dipper laugh. _At least he’s getting the hang of them_ , he thought. He plowed on with the next bit, eager to see how they would get out of this.

“The barbarians close in around you, pressuring you to give up the weapons by force if necessary.”

“Hold up.” Stan waved one hand. “Can I roll persuasion to talk ‘em into letting us keep our stuff? Because I’m pretty sure Oona’s going to find the other two bodies.”

“Roll persuasion.”

“Ha! Nineteen plus my bonus...Twenty-two.”

“You point out you’ve complied with their wishes so far and, with no proof of wrong-doing other than following a strange floating body back to their base, you shouldn’t have to. Besides, to take your weapons would mean they couldn’t handle one measly barbarian and his tiny entourage.”

“Is that a short joke? I may be small, but I’m mighty. I’ll Sacred Flame them all.” Melody shakes her squirrel plushie.

“The barbarians don’t take your weapons, but you’re now shut into the saw mill for the foreseeable future. What do you do?”

“I’m gonna eat,” Stan said. He took a swig from his water bottle.

“I’m going to look around the saw mill, check for escape routes or ways to barricade if things turn sour on us.” Ford stood and slipped around Stan, presumably to get some water himself.

“I’ll check out the place too then settle in with my lute and play songs.”

Dipper nodded, noting what each of the players are doing. He described the old saw mill. It’d been abandoned recently, most likely because the barbarians invaded. The tools were in good shape and the blades of the mill are still working. The group planned to escape through the opening by the water wheel, but Dipper won’t let them get out of it that easy.

He’d been planning this for a bit and he’s more than a little happy the dice have rolled in his favor. They’d parlayed well with the barbarians earlier, mostly thanks to Stan’s character, Tusk’s high charisma and bar brawling skills. That half-orc could take a hit. For a first time player, Dipper was impressed with his grunkle. He’d figured out what to do with his stats and which numbers to plug where to give him advantage. Ford claimed he’d barely helped Stan with it, unlike Dipper who’d had to hand hold Mabel through the process. (If she hadn’t insisted on dual classing, it’d have gone so much easier.)

Now, as the group sat in the saw mill, Dipper moved the barbarians into place for the battle he’d hoped to throw at them earlier. Stan’s persuasion skills be damned. He would test the group’s mettle against twenty barbarians if it was the last thing he did. He got ready to reveal the map to his players, making sure they refreshed it on their screens.

“A crash of the door causes you to jump. Oona and her group barge in. ‘Do the Clan Snadger have no honor?’ she bellows. Her men pull out their weapons-”

“I cast Sacred Flame on her.”

“Melody!”

“Soos, sweetie. The time for talk is over. We know they kill anyone with magic. We’re taking her down now before she clobbers me or Wrenna and you lose both your main magic users. How many healing potions do you have left?”

At his computer desk, Soos mulled over his girlfriend’s words then drew himself up in the chair. “Right. I jump in front of Tileet and hold up my shield, readying my axe.”

Dipper nodded. “Roll initiative.”

The battle went how Dipper hoped it would for the first few rounds. Melody rolled poorly on her Sacred Flame cast, allowing the barbarian leader to survive a couple rounds before Stan lodged his great axe in her chest. Ford’s rogue took full advantage of his surroundings, leading to one barbarian dying in the saw mill’s blades and him entangling a second in loose rope. Soos blocked and attacked, keeping two barbarians off Melody as she cast Sacred Flame after Sacred Flame taking full advantage of their low dexterity. Then Mabel noticed the silo outside the mill.

“Dipper, what’s in the silo?” she asked.

“Um-” He hastily checked his notes and, not seeing it, grabbed the campaign book he’d taken the town from. A minute later he found it. “Sawdust apparently.”

“I cast Fireball on the barbarian nearest the silo.”

“You need line of sight.”

“Aren’t the big doors where they used to bring in logs open?” she asked, her smile a bit manic. Dipper knew. Oh, he knew what was about to happen.

“Yes.”

“Wrenna moves so she can see the barbarians outside and casts Fireball.”

“Good move Mabel!” Ford cheered.

With an inward groan, Dipper instructed Mabel to roll. She rolled eight times, the total was thirty-six. There are four barbarians in the immediate radius of the spell, he notes. He rolled their saves, all of which failed and they fell, much like his plans for a long hard fought battle.

“Woo!” Punching the air, Mabel shoved back her chair and did a little jig.

“Nice rolling sweetie!” Stan said. Soos and Melody congratulate her too, before jumping back into the fight.

The silo is on fire and Dipper rolled to see if the flames had burned away enough of the structure to ignite the sawdust. It held the first pass, but didn't the second. There were seven barbarians not engaged with the group or dead, and Dipper decided they had enough sense to see the silo explode and run for it. Three take falling debris damage, but that’s it. Scribbling on today’s notes, he asked Soos what he was doing.

“Uh, attack the guy. He’s still calling Tileet and Wrenna witches, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then he goes down.”

Another round and a half and the remaining barbarians are defeated. The group cheered and Stan and Melody promptly started looting the bodies. Ford grabbed as many tools as he could and put them in the bag of holding for later. Who knew when they’d need a chisel or a large file?

They’re pretty much done when Dipper heard a familiar knock on his bedroom door.

“Dipper. It’s after nine,” his father said, opening the door. He smiled when he saw the monitor and all the people in the video chat. “Evening Stan, Ford, Soos, Melody.”

“They say evening,” Dipper replied. “We’re almost done.”

“Good.” He hesitated closing the door. “You know, your mom and I used to play this RPG -Run in Shadows- in college. It’s cyberpunk, not medieval fantasy. It was fun though.”

“You want to join us? I’m not sure. We have a full party-”

“Oh, not this campaign. Maybe next spring…”

 _Oh dear_ , Dipper thought. Across the hall Mabel chanted “Pines! Pines! Pines!” and Ford looked incredibly pleased. _What have I done?_


	2. A Pause in the Quest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse. I gave in and wrote another chapter to the Pines Family DD&MD shenanigans. I suspect there will be more to come later. We'll see.

“Yo, cleric. Do these boots look magical to you?” Stan asked, addressing Melody with his usual nonchalance.

Dipper flipped to the page in the _Dungeons, Dungeons & More Dungeons Master’s Handbook_. This week’s session was going mostly according to plan so far. The wolf pack attack had been short and a bit redundant since the group had bumbled into another pack two weeks ago, resulting in the unfortunateness with the barbarians. He decided to swap out the other wolf random encounter for a bear and cubs instead. Luckily he had the stat blocks for it already printed out.

“Hmm…” Melody scrutinized her screen as if she were actually looking at the boots in question. “I can check. I cast Detect Magic.”

“The boots-” Dipper reread the blurb on the boots quickly to reassure himself he had it right. “Give off a magical aura.”

“That’s it?” Stan frowned. “No specifics?”

“I guess you’ll have to try them on to find out.” With a small amused smile, Dipper waited to see if his grunkle would take the bait. He didn’t disappoint. 

“I shove the fancy fur boots on my feet. After I’ve taken off my others. I’m not falling for that again.”

“But the double cloak look was so you!” Mabel exclaimed brightly. Her knitting needles clicked as she finished up her latest sweater. (It’s mostly out of camera view, which was important as she liked to keep her gift sweaters to Stan and Ford a surprise.) 

“As soon as they’re on your feet, you feel...lighter. Do you try them out?” Dipper asked.

“Hell yeah.” 

Ford stifled a laugh at his twin’s enthusiasm.

“You take a few steps then start running. You’re quicker, quicker than normal and when you decide to hurdle a log, you soar over it by a good four feet.”

“Oh yeah!” Stan’s excited air punch nearly clocked Ford in the head, but Ford’s good reflexes saved him. 

“Heh, watch where you’re aiming Stanley.”

“Sorry,” he replied.

Dipper grinned. “They’re Boots of Fleet Fox. They allow the wearer to jump four times as high as normal, run twice as fast, and muffle the sound of your approach so only creatures with sharp hearing notice you right away.”

“Sweet!” Soos said, giving Stan a thumbs up. “Those are really handy. What about the beaded headband we found?”

“Tileet looks at it and sees that it too gives off a magic aura.”

“Me! Me! I want to try it on,” Mabel squeaked. “Maybe it’ll give me the power to fly!”

“You try it on and...nothing happens. You’re disappointed.”

“No kidding Dip-Dot.” She frowned, turning slightly away to concentrate on her knitting.

“You’re about to take it off when it starts to tingle and you feel ever so slightly smarter.”

“How smart?” 

“Enough that you realize that this headband increases your intelligence.”

“Cool! Wait...my main stat is charisma.”

“And you’re a sorcerer bard,” Soos pointed out. “Int. isn’t going to help you much.”

“So the headband increases intelligence,” Ford said, rustling through the paper copies of his character sheets. He preferred them to having them online only. Dipper had to agree; having a physical copy was nice and almost soothing in a way. “Can you give us a name or are we to guess?”

“I name it the Brainy Beaded Band,” Mabel stated.

“It has a name,” Dipper muttered. He flipped back a page in the book and read. “It’s the Headband of Intellect.”

“Pfft. That’s a boring name. Brainy Beaded Band sounds better.”

“Mabel…”

“Brainy Beaded Band! Brainy Beaded Band!”

“Fine, we’ll call it that. It’s a plus two to intelligence to whomever wears it. Both items need to be attuned, so decide who gets what and spend some time attuning or not.”

Ford crossed his arms and sat back in his chair. “Tusk should keep the boots. I think as our main fighter and damage dealer, any extra movement is beneficial,” he said thoughtfully.

“But the fur trim would go with my fox skin jerkin,” Melody said. She pouted, though Dipper knew it wasn’t a true pout. He’d witnessed those, she was just in character. “I pout then got back to skinning the wolves whispering; I’ll add you to my collection...soon.”

“Okay Cruella,” Stan muttered. Melody eyed him with a slightly crazed look before pulling out her plushie squirrel. 

“I don’t understand what you mean. I love all the animals in my collection.”

“I miss when our cleric was sane,” Ford said with a sigh in his character’s voice.

“She was sane? When?” Stan asked.

“Before the whole cursed skull- You know very well when!”

In her screen, Melody continued petting the stuffed squirrel and whispering to it, ignoring everyone else.

“I’ll take it,” Soos said at last. “Most of my spells are based on Int. anyway.”

The group agreed readily and decided to move on after spending an hour attuning them and letting Tileet finish her grim task. Eventually they found the bridge across the river and avoided one lizardman patrol. Dipper was very pleased. They were nearing their destination, which would be a good breaking spot until next week.

“As you travel, you notice that this area looks familiar. Your path has merged with the path the one you followed north three days ago. Sure enough, you soon see the raven sitting on the skull again.”

“Oh, that poor bird!” Mabel said. “Hello again.”

“Hello. Did you bring food? Says the raven.”

“Maybe…”

“Wrenna, this is a dead wizard’s familiar. It only eats magic, remember?” Ford said. “And you’re not an endless font of magic.”

“I kinda am,” Mabel countered. “Cantrips are a thing.”

“But it specifically eats Magic Missiles.”

Mabel glared into the camera. “But it’s all alone out here bound to a skull. That’s no life!”

“It seemed to be doing fine before we showed up,” Stan said.

Her eyes narrowed further, her mouth pressing into a thin line as she stared down her grunkles. 

“I scoop up the skull and tie it to my shoulder.”

There was a moment of silence before Stan and Soos started laughing, Melody told her “alright girl”, Ford shook his head, muffling his chuckles in his hand, and Dipper groaned fondly at his sister. Great, now what was he to do? She didn’t have the Find Familiar spell, that he knew, so technically the bird couldn’t be her familiar, but that didn’t stop her from dragging the poor thing along.

“So the raven, like…” He didn’t know what to say. Stan, Soos, and Ford’s laughter was contagious, distracting him as he struggled to keep some composure. “It gives a squawk: Where are you taking Master? Master said-” Dipper couldn’t keep it together. Mabel reached into her yarn bin and came up with a ball of white yarn. She tied it to her shoulder with a defiant look. Then she pulled out a sequined purple and green bird from somewhere in the depths of her desk drawers (the terrifyingly crammed so full of crafting supplies that even their mother wouldn’t touch them drawers) and stuffed it into the yarn. Dipper lost it.

Laughing was all anyone could do for five minutes.

“Okay, okay,” Dipper said at last. “So, the raven gives you grief about disturbing its master’s slumber.”

“I tell it- wait, shouldn’t we be calling it he, she, or they?” Mabel asked.

“You decide.”

“They seem like they’re male to me. Anyway, I tell him his master should be sleeping in a better place than all alone out here and that we’ll find him a better bed. Preferably with friends nearby; not the undead kind though.”

“The raven accepts this and settles in on your shoulder. Congrats, you’re now a bird perch.”

“Yay!”

“So, raven stew is out, right?” Melody asked.

“Tileet! No! This is my new friend and we’re not eating him.”

“Is chicken still on the menu? I love chicken and pheasants and pigeon -mmmm, pigeon. They’re like feathered rats, but taste better.”

“Endel, she’s doing it again.” Mabel whined, throwing Ford a ‘help-me’ look.

“Tileet,” Ford began, slipping back into character. “We’ve discussed this before. Please stop mentioning the eating of rats. You know it upsets Wrenna. She’s still in mourning.”

“But I didn’t eat hers. It died before we met!” Melody protested, mocking hurt feelings.

“It was still my beloved childhood pet. Oh, poor Mr. Sniffle-snuffle! I start crying.”

Stan rolled his eyes and Dipper found himself agreeing with the sentiment as Mabel threw her arms in the air and began waxing poetic nostalgia over her character’s childhood pet. He let her go for another couple of minutes before cutting her off.

“Okay, and on that note. It’s break time. Everyone meet back here in ten minutes.”

“Finally.” Stan leapt up and headed out of sight of the camera. “I’ve needed to take a piss for the last twenty minutes.”

“Stanley!”

“TMI Grunkle Stan!”

“TMI!”

“Mr. Pines!”

Dipper bit his lip and shook his head. Why did he agree to run this game again?


	3. It's A Trap!

“In front of you is a great lake,” Dipper began. On his screen, Mabel, Soos, and Ford listened intently, leaning forward toward their respective cameras. Stan, per usual, was leaning back lazily, sipping from his water bottle. Melody was drawing something and all Dipper could see was the top of her head. She’d started making character portraits of everyone (who knew she could draw!) so they could have icons for the RPG map making program Dipper used. 

“To the north you can barely make out a large waterfall and, to its right, a building that is partially carved from the surrounding stone that juts out over the cold lake water; its tower reaching to the cavern’s ceiling. To the southeast is a citadel of which you see flickers of something -movement maybe-, but no light from within. To the west you see a village strung along the beach. Several small fires burn in what you assume is the town center.”

After last week’s debacle, where the group had nearly died from platypus-bear attack (Stan’s bad luck reared its head and he’d rolled two natural ones in a row), Dipper was glad they’d finally made it. At last they were at the underground lake in the Caves of Salt Frost. He was so excited.

He’d spent weeks on this map. The planning he’d done! The traps he’d laid! The monsters strewn about and the treasures to claim! Dipper believed this was his best map yet and eagerly waited for them to decide what to do first. Would they traverse the lake to the citadel? The tower? His leg jiggled and he had to forcibly hold it to keep it still. It’d been hard enough to keep the excited squeak from his voice as he described the scene. Not in too much detail, lest he give away something and accidentally lead the party to their destination too quickly.

Ford spoke first, unsurprisingly.

“This village, can we see anyone around the fires?” he asked.

“You’ll have to get closer, but when you do you notice bodies walking around or sitting by the fires.”

“Undead bodies or humanoid bodies?” Soos asked, visibly taking notes on paper.

“Lizardarian bodies.”

The group groaned.

Stan sighed loudly. “Guess we found their home base. The barbarians would love to know about this, if you know, we were still on speaking terms.”

“Killing their leader sort of squashed any goodwill we had,” Melody said, setting her sketchbook aside. “Oh, hey Mabel. I almost forgot.” She dug around beside her and pulled out a box. “Guess what arrived today!”

“Eee! Let me see!” Mabel clapped her hands excitedly and nearly threw herself at the camera.

Melody opened the box and pulled out a knitted hat that resembled a cow skull complete with felt horns. It was part stuffed toy, part hat, and wholly unique. Grinning, she showed it off, collecting compliments and redirecting them at Mabel as she did.

“Gotta hand it to you sweetie,” Stan said. “That’s one impressive piece of knitting and crafting.”

“Why, thank you Grunkle Stan.” Mabel took a small bow and hopped back into her chair. “Maybe I’ll make you some fuzzy socks like your shiny new boots. I could make them extra warm so you don’t get frostbite.”

“I think that is a wonderful idea,” Ford said as he leaned in Stan’s space and smiled conspiratorially at her. Then he put one hand up as if attempting to stage whisper. “Make sure you get the tops extra fluffy.”

“Hey! I heard that!” Stan shoved his twin playfully.

“What?” Ford asked innocently. 

Dipper shook his head as his great uncles devolved into a pair of teenagers for a minute and Melody placed her new minotaur knit hat on her head. She beamed and Dipper had to admit it looked good on her.

“Anyway,” he said, trying to steer everyone back on track. “What do you do now?”

“Well, we need to find the lair of the Golden Fork, right? Do we see anything that indicates we’re on the right road?” Soos asked.

“There is. As you get closer to the village to determine who the villagers are, you notice a large fork carved into the cliff face to the immediate northwest. It’s laying horizontal-”

“Which is different from all the other instances of it,” Ford interrupted. He glanced down, folding his arms and thinking for a moment before speaking again. “Is it pointing at something?”

“It is,” Dipper beamed. “A ways down from it is a cave entrance.”

“Great! We head toward the cave,” Stan said.

“As you move toward the village, the lizardarians notice you and some grab weapons, while others go into the huts.”

“Wait, what?”

“The cave entrance is behind the village Stanley. Weren’t you paying attention to Dipper’s descriptions?”

“Yes, but he didn't say anything about the cave was in the village, just that it was northwest of it.”

“And how are we to get from south to north along the lake shore?”

“Ughhhhh.” He leaned back in his chair, both hands covering his face and mumbling Spanish curses. 

Ford patted him on the arm. “Don’t worry, I’m sure if we talk to their leader, they’ll see how our quest benefits all. They don’t want their world being turned into the Elemental Plane any more than we do.”

“We can hope.”

“Since Mabel, Soos, and I have the highest charisma and intelligence, I suggest we do the talking,” Ford continued. 

This was the solution Dipper had been hoping for. “How do you approach the villagers?”

“Unarmed. I hold my hands out, palm facing forward and empty in a show of peace. I urge my comrades to do the same.”

“The lizardarians note this and hold off on attacking you. From a hut an older lizardarian appears. Her head fin is pierced and from it dangle loops of metal and beads. This is obviously their chief.”

“Greetings, we mean you no harm,” Ford said.

“Do you? You do not appear from the tribe of barbarians.”

“Ah, you speak Common. No, we aren’t. We seek the resting place of the Order of the Golden Fork.”

“Golden Fork. She seems confused then looks to the carving and points. That? She asks.”

“Yes.”

Ford explained to the chieftess the danger the world was in and how crucial it was to find what knowledge the Golden Fork had left behind. He neglected to tell her the whole truth or any specifics, a smart move on his part Dipper thought. Mabel and Soos chimed in, helping with persuasion and diplomacy checks. Their rolls were neither really high nor low enough to cause the group immediate problems, but they weren’t past the threshold Dipper had put in for these talks. It was hard to keep a straight face when Mabel rolled an eleven, which kept the party from being run through after Ford’s five. Everything was going to plan.

“She summons one of her warriors and speaks to them in their language. After a moment she turns back to you and says he will take you to the cave.”

“We thank her and follow him.”

“Does anyone else get the feeling that this is a trap?” Stan asked.

“Says the barbarian who picked a fight with a living suit of armor without provocation.”

“Can it Sixer, that thing had it coming.”

“You follow the warrior who leads up along a narrow winding path that climbs higher and higher over the lake. He points at the entrance and waits until everyone enters before heading back.

“There is a short hall with a high ceiling and smooth walls. Obviously carved out. You proceed a ways and it opens up into a large hexagonal room. There are three other doorways besides the one you’re standing in. The only light is coming from the lake outside you. Those of you with dusk vision notice the remaining two sides have statues of humans holding swords and shields: one male, one female.”

“Do they look dwarven carved?” Soos asked.

“No. You approach one and see that it’s roughly made. No dwarven artisan would let something like this out of their workshop. In the middle of the room you notice a pile of medium sized smooth stones sitting in mud. Wrenna, on your shoulder, Sootkin begins muttering. Too dark. Too dark. Too dark. What’s that noise?”

“What noise Sootkin?” Mabel asked. Since last session she’d found a suitable bird decoration to represent her new raven friend and had him set on a plastic skull on her desk. She moved him so she was more in camera view.

Dipper doesn't hide the devious smile as he clicks in his map program, revealing the room they’re in.

“Before the raven can answer, you hear it. A chorus of hissing ending in gurgles.”

“Oh no,” Soos gasped.

“This better not be what I think it is,” Ford said, his eyes going wide and darting to his character sheet, no doubt checking his personal inventory.

“I knew it!” Stan shouted. “I knew this was a trap!”

Dipper’s smile grew wider and he nearly cackled. He clicked one more time and the icon of a Moss Hydra appeared on the screen for all to see. Now came the fun part; would they run or would they stand their ground?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The real question is: Will Stan roll another natural one and thus mess up in the most spectacular way or will he roll a thirty-two and save them all?


	4. Escape!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More of my shameless Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons nonsense. I admit, this is just an outlet for me to have the Pines family (and Melody) banter back and forth and be goofs while not so secretly making them play my SO's current campaign. Sometimes you just need to have a silly project.
> 
> (Okay, I love the idea of Ford and Stan sitting on the Stan O'War II, sharing a lap top and playing together with their niblings, Stan's adoptive son, and Melody. Family bonding through imaginary near death experiences instead of real death of experiences. Yay!)

They ran.

The group had seconds to decide which doorway to choose of the three to take. Soos, being the ipso de facto spokesperson for the group in these sorts of situations, made the final call. They headed south, much to Dipper’s delight. If they’d headed north they would’ve stumbled into the room behind the waterfall earlier than he’d wanted. There were so many rooms filled with treasure, it would’ve been a shame to find one of the main artifacts of dungeon so soon.

 _There was always a chance_ , he reminded himself right as he called for initiative. 

“Why are we all rolling like crap all of a sudden?” Stan growled, glaring at his die.

“Mr. Pines, you didn’t upset any spirits or cross any crypitids?” Soos asked.

“No! Why’d you think that? Ford’s the one who ticked off Moth Man.”

“What does that have to do with luck Stanley?” Ford demanded.

“Guys, guys. It doesn’t matter who did or didn’t tick off a spirit of fortune, the main thing is how do we appease them before we all die?” Mabel said, setting her elbows on her desk and steepling her fingers in a manner reminiscent of her Boss Mabel persona.

“Libations?” Ford suggested.

“Rabbits feet?” Soos frowned. “Those aren’t very lucky for the rabbit though.”

“I’m getting my other dice,” Stan muttered, standing up and walking out of camera view.

“The Moss Hydra goes first. Because you’re running it gets an attack of opportunity. Let’s see five heads…” Dipper rolled for each head. “Miss, miss on Tileet. Miss, hit on Endel. Take 9 points of damage. Hit, hit on Tusk. Take 16 points of damage. Hit, miss, on Tymyl. Take 8 points of damage. Hit, hit on Wrenna. Take 13 points of damage. Wow, those were some low rolls.”

“Low?” Mabel squeaked. “I’m down a third of my hit points!”

Dipper shrugged and grinned unapologetically. His twin glared, her face scrunching into a look that promised retribution later. He smirked back. There was danger she’d go through with whatever she was plotting now, but it wouldn’t happen as long as her character stayed alive, which was relatively likely. Probably. He hoped. Because an angry, plotting revenge Mabel was a dangerous Mabel.

“Dudes, get going! I’ll hold it off,” Soos said, while leaning away from the screen only to return with a bag of Cheez-E Puffs. “I get my shield and get my sword ready then use Tunnel Defender.”

“Um...You’re not in a tunnel, Soos.” Dipper said.

Soos tutted and took out his copy of the _Player’s Guide_. “Says right here that I can use this ability in any underground room, hallway, or tunnel. We’re underground, so I can use it even if the room has a high ceiling.”

Frowning, Dipper pulled out his copy and double checked. Soos was right. He’d have to let it slide. “Okay, so you have an extra 3 to defense and can counter attack any attack against either you or your compatriots.”

“Yus!”

“Okay, so this thing just took a chunk out of me,” Stan said, returning to his seat. He had a small black bag with him. He carefully took out a set of dice Dipper hadn’t seen before. They looked nice, cherry red with gold numbers painted on them. 

“You’re going to use the dice I got you?” Ford asked, sounding happy and maybe a little choked up.

“Yeah, I figured now was a good time to break them in. I’ve been using the cheap ones I picked up and they’re luck seems to have run out today.” He shrugged, trying to look casual about it, but the way his mouth kept turning up into a small smile even as he forced it down was telling.

He coughed. “Anyway, this thing took a piece out of me. It’s time to take a piece of it. I fly into a rage and attack the nearest head.”

“What? No! Tusk, now isn’t the time!” Ford yelped.

“I just took 16 points of damage, Sixer. Like Hell I’m not smacking this thing.”

“No, I… It’s a hydra! You cut one head, two take its place. Do you not remember the myth?”

“Oh, I remember, but Tusk knows nothin' of hydras, so choppity-chop.”

“He has a point,” Melody said. “I mean, Tusk is charming, but his intelligence is what? A 7?”

Ford groaned and muttered something about dumb barbarian stereotypes.

Sitting in his chair, Dipper chuckled at his great uncles. He made a quick note in his notebook as Stan rolled for attack and damage. A hit. Ouch, that lightning ability he’d picked up last level actually did more than expected. Moss Hydra, Dipper reminded himself, were weak against lightning instead of fire like most hydras, so it took double damage. He hoped none of the others noticed, especially Mabel. She was the only other person with a lightning attack, well, spell.

“Your axe swings and catches the hydra’s head by surprise. The lightning coursing down the blade into its neck.”

“Yes!”

“Grunkle Stan, we need to run.”

They go another round. Soos took on two heads which didn't do much damage due to his higher defense and he got two extra attacks on them as a result. Unfortunately, neither did significant damage. Melody tried frying them with Holy Light, which only did half damage when all heads made their saving throws. 

“Crud, this isn’t working. Tusk! Get your barbarian butt over here!” Melody said. “I’m not healing you if you die.”

“Who says I’m going to lose to this thing?” he replied.

“Stanley.” Ford shook his head.

“I’m just doing what my character would do.”

“Wrenna, please tell me you have a Fireball available.”

“Sure do, Grunkle Ford, I mean Endel.”

“Good. Throw that in here after we grab the idiot please.”

Mabel saluted. “Yes sir!”

“Am I engendering if I run out and grab him?” Soos asked.

Dipper considered. “No. You’ve enacted Tunnel Defender. Though, Tusk might take a swing at you.”

“Noted. Dude, I’m coming for you!”

What followed was a moment of hilarity as Soos’ character attempted to grab Tusk, who, still enraged, took a swipe at him instead. Stan rolled high, so his attack connected, but Soos’ Tunnel Defender allowed him to counter attack. Mabel, seeing the trouble, and since her character hadn’t made it to the safety of the doorway yet, turned back and jumped onto the hydra head Tusk had been attacking. 

“Lighting Strike Punch!” she screamed. “Yes! Natural 32!”

“What?!” Dipper exclaimed as she wiggled in her chair, waving her arms excitedly.

“DUDE!”

“Roll that damage!” Stan yelled.

She grabbed her damage die and rolled. “3.” She rolled again. “6”

Nine total, but it was lightning damage, so double that. Dipper tried not to pout as he marked the head as dead and unable to regrow.

“You land on the head. Its skin is soft, squishy, and very moist and you dig your fingers into it. The head writhes under you as you hold on. Raising your fist, you strike it between the eyes. Lightning crackles and courses through it, down the neck to the shoulders. The beast roars and suddenly the head drops. You roll off it, landing in a crouching position; your hand still crackling with arcs of electricity.”

“Woo! Now let’s get out of here.”

“Is Tusk still enraged?” Dipper asked.

“Yeah, but one head just dropped and there’s a sorceress with lightning coming out of her fists. He’s going to bail.”

“Smart move Mr. Pines.”

The group made it to the doorway with Tymyl still guarding their retreat. Dipper had the hydra attack a couple more times, but Tunnel Defender was a beast of an ability and Soos’s rolls were high enough to whittle a few more hit points off each head. Wrenna got off one more Lightning Strike Punch, though nowhere near as good as the first and lost another 13 hit points for the effort. Once they made it further down the hallway and away from the hydra heads, Melody took a minute to roll her mass healing spell because, frankly, they all needed it.

“Well, that could have gone worse,” Ford said, writing down his new hit point total. “Though, Melody wouldn’t have had to waste a group healing spell if some of us hadn’t decided to go toe to toe with a hydra.” He eyed Stan who shrugged.

“I was doing what my character would do. You’re the one who told me when we started playing to think in character.”

“I may be regretting that.”

“But it makes it more exciting that way,” Melody said, butting in. She smiled and adjusted her minotaur skull knitted hat. “If we all played as ourselves then it would just be us going on a pretend trip. This is more like a play that we get to improvise with some direction from our GM.” She nodded towards Dipper.

“I’m aware,” Ford replied. He smiled. “When I was in college there was a small group of us who played. Fiddleford, this guy named Matt, and our game master, Edward. Matt was great at getting into character and helped me do the same, though he was far better than I.” Glancing over at Stan, he nudged his brother. “A bit like Stanley is.”

“Whoa. I’m better than you at this? That’s shocking.” Stan’s teasing tone covered the smile he threw at his twin.

“You’re certainly picking up the role playing part of this faster than I did. Though, I suspect being Mr. Mystery for thirty years has given you a leg up.”

Stan practically beamed.

Dipper smiled as Mabel cooed. He cleared his throat. They had more of this maze to explore and he needed to get them back on track. “Okay. So I’m assuming you’re going to continue south.”


	5. Down Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for more Pines family DD&D silliness. Everyone gets to relax in town. I admit, I just like writing dialogue. It's a fun thing to just get them all to interact. This thing is not beta-ed in the least, so we can blame all the spelling and grammar errors on me just wanting to post this. :)

Dipper wasn’t sure what he was thinking when he put the Water-walking Moccasins amongst the treasure the party would find when they finished the last dungeon. All he knew was that this wasn’t what he’d had in mind.

“Wait, you want to practice with them where?” he asked, staring at Melody as she took a sip from her hot chocolate.

“I think we all heard her,” Stan said. His amused grin came through the video feed loud and clear. Dipper wished his grunkle wouldn't be so damn mischievous. (And he thought Mabel and Stan could be a devious pair. No. He and Melody were so much worse because they threw innuendos at each other like it was nothing.)

“He sure did.” Melody set down her mug. “Since this town isn’t close to a river or lake, the only place to practice is. The. Bath. House. Now, do you want me to describe what Tileet does? Because I have a video.”

“No! There is no need for videos! Melody? Why do I see a tiny speech bubble with ellipses in it? No! ...and you’ve posted it in the chat.” Dipper dragged his hat over his eyes and groaned as Mabel suddenly started cackling madly from the next room. Stan’s appreciative hum came through Dipper’s headset and he doesn’t want to know what his grunkle is so enamored with.

“My, they’re very talented. Reminds me of the Wenlem’s traditional dances from Dimension 94R-Ds. They were a very interesting society. Lots of well choreographed routines. The population often broke into song, seemingly spontaneously. They actually weren’t. Everyone was taught these songs from an early age and knew when to enact them. So, to an outsider, they seemed spontaneous.”

“Wait! Grunkle Ford!” Mabel slammed her hands on her desk, barely missing her bowl of popcorn. Are you telling me there is a dimension where people are taught to burst into song and dance perfectly like in a musical?” 

“I suppose from our perspective it would be,” Ford mused.

Dipper sighed and pushed up his hat. Clicking the link he was immediately brought to a video of a group of dancers doing some very fancy footwork. “Riverdance? I think I’ve heard of this.”

“It was really big when Soos and I were little,” Melody said. “Anyway, that’s what Tileet’s doing in the bathhouse, Riverdancing her way around and leaping from tub to tub.”

“Does she do this the whole week the group is in town?” Dipper asked, deciding this wasn’t as bad as he thought.

“Yep. The bathhouse owner tells her he’ll pay her in free soap if she’ll keep drawing a crowd. She’s like, sure, but Endel suggests she get at least her meals and lodging paid for too. The guy grudging agrees.”

“Well, I guess that sounds like time well spent and you become proficient in water walking.”

“Oh, and she gets clean towels when she’s done.”

“Well, sure, clean towels would be….” Suddenly it dawned on him and his face began to redden. “Tell me she’s not nude when she’s Riverdancing?”

All the adults burst into laughter. Melody simply gave him the most devilish grin and shrugged. “Well, it IS a bathhouse.”

It took two minutes for the adults to calm down and another five for Dipper to pick his dignity up off the floor.

* * *

“Right, so what does everyone else do?” 

“Since we collected that map to Besselfessel,” Soos began as he pulled up his notes. He stared at his screen, reading, and leaving the rest of the group to dig out their own notes or continue drinking hot chocolate in Melody’s case. “Tymyl is going to study it and..um.. Hang on.”

“Oo!” Mabel interrupted, waving her hand in front of the camera. “Wrenna is going to spend the time teaching Sootkin how to carry letters back and forth like one of those pigeons in those war movies Grandpa likes.”

“Carrier pigeon.”

“Yes. One of those. Is that possible?” Her eyes shone excitedly and Dipper was tempted to indulge her, but he was the DM. He couldn’t play favorites.

“Let’s roll for it. Anything below a twelve is a failure. Twelve to twenty-four is a partial success and above that is successful.”

Grabbing her 32-sided die, Mabel vigorously shook it in both hands. “C’mon...c’mon… I want to send messages to my pen pal in town.” She tossed it and her face crumbled. “Nine.”

“Sorry sis, but Sootkin refuses to have anything tied to his leg. Every time you try, he pecks off the string and flies away calling ‘Nevermore’.”

“Drat. I’ll try again later. I will make you more than just a look out for monsters.” She shook her fist at the screen before slumping back into her chair and shoving a handful of popcorn in her mouth.

“Soos?” Dipper asked hopefully.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry dude. Had to read my notes. Anyway, Tymyl hits the sanctuary and Every Faith Shrine to see if the clerics have any books on the ancient dwarvan clans in the area. And if they do, he holds up in a room with the map and the book they took from the Golden Fork’s archive.”

Pulling up his notes, Dipper quickly checked to make sure he’s telling Soos the correct information. “You do indeed find some information about it. It’s not much. A passage here or there in the archives of the Every Faith Shrine. You do find several references to Mishka and her struggles to rally support for taking down Probabilitor.”

“Probabilitor. Psht! He’s last summer’s news,” Mabel said.

“That was the wizard that tried to eat your brains, right?” Stan asked.

“Yes, Stanley,” Ford replied. “Though, that was out of setting. I mean, he does want to eat brains and collects geniuses and intellectuals in-universe. Mishka the Undaunted’s quest to defeat him is well known. It’s been part of the lore since the 70s.”

“Easy Poindexter, I didn’t need the info dump.”

“It’s not an info dump! I was clear and concise.”

“Mishka was in the area. Did she run with the Golden Fork?” Soos asked as the older Pines twins continued to bicker. 

“No, she’s contemporary to you. Most of the members were long dead by then.”

“Except Dee-da-dee,” Melody pointed out. “She’s an elf and since elves live a long time…”

“Ooo! I smell a side quest!” Mabel squealed happily. “Side quest! Side quest!”

“Anyway, so,” Dipper said, trying to hide the smile and failing. “Grunkle Stan, Great Uncle Ford, what are your characters doing during their down time?”

“Knowing Ford’s character, he’s probably helping Tymyl.” Stan waved his hand dismissively as Ford sniffed, shooting his twin a highly offended look.

“For your information Stanley, Endel has other things to do besides studying.”

“Oh. Then go first. Prove me wrong.”

“I will. Endel spends the time writing letters back to the university in Summer Shores.”

“That still counts.”

“No it doesn’t! Correspondence is completely different from studying.”

Leaning back against the back of the built in kitchen seating of the ship’s galley, Stan stretched and heaved a large sigh. “If you say so…”

“It’s not the whole time. I mean he’s not an exhibitionist like Tusk or Tileet are, so it’s not like he’s going to put on a show or get blinding drunk on ale, but he does other things. He… ah…” Ford pursed his lips together into a thin line, glaring down at his character sheet. He flipped it over and read. “He…”

“It’s okay Great Uncle Ford,” Dipper reached around his monitor and pulled the Dungeon Master’s Guide to him.

“No, give me a moment.”

“You sure?” he asked. If Ford couldn’t come up with something, there was a chart in the guide Dipper could use. 

“He can’t think of anything. Endel can’t loosen up, like someone else I know.” Stan said. “Wake me when he thinks of something.” Wriggling his shoulders to get comfortable against the padded back, he closed his eyes and heaved another sigh.

“Endel takes Tusk shopping.”

“What?” Stan’s eyes snapped open and he stared at Ford.

“Endel takes Tusk shopping for some decent clothes.” The smirk on Ford’s face grows. “He’s tired of running around with a nearly naked barbarian. It’s unseemly.”

“But, barbarians are supposed to wear loincloths...it says so in the character creation section.”

“Tough. Tusk’s getting a nice shirt and pants. Colors that will match his new furry boots. Maybe a vest too.”

“Nope! Tusk’s not having it and runs off.” Stan shot back. Ford continued to grin, like a cat who’d caught his mouse.

“The shirt has embroidery.”

“No!”

“It smells of lavender and is oh, so soft.”

“Tusk refuses to wear it. It’s not barbaric.”

Dipper stifled a laugh. “So, Endel spends the week attempting to get Tusk to dress in more than animal furs. He’s…” Rolling, Dipper grinned. “Successful, having caught Tusk after a late night party at the tavern.”

“No!”

“Yes! Now for some soap!”

“Hey! Tusk bathes. He went to the bathhouse. The lemongrass and oatmeal soaps are soothing.”

“Grunkle Stan! You liked the soap I sent you last time?” Mabel’s smile was practically glowing.

“They smell nice. Better than what we were using before.” He said softly, his cheeks reddening. 

“Aww…” Melody cooed.

“Anything’s better than the smell of burnt hair. I still can’t get Ford to use a razor!”

“It’s more efficient!” Ford protested.

“Someday you’re going to catch the bathroom cabinet on fire.”

Ford glowered, but it was momentary. It was an old argument at this point. 

“Endel,” Dipper said, stopping any more distractions. “You spent twenty gold on the outfit and another thirty silver paying for information on Tusk’s current hiding places throughout the week.”

“I steal the money from Tusk’s coin purse when he’s out cold.” Ford replied as Stan snarled and glared, but knew he couldn’t win against the rogue.

“Fine, but the shirt better have my spirit animal on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm alive. Yes, I know this isn't an new chapter of Sunshine At Night, but I needed to write something fun and close to my heart. So, a little DD&MD it is. I'm still working on Sunshine, but both my beta reader and I have had just the most stressful month with COVID-19 rearing its head in our areas. Plus some personal things on my end has made finding time to write and to actually want to write harder. I keep hoping things will get better. In the mean time, I'll make the Pines family play some DD&MD based on a campaign I'm a part of.


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